#4 Discovering Peace Through Cancer

Though my parents took us to church every Sunday, I think I must have been about 9 years old when I discovered God and the Bible in a laundry mat.

We started going to the laundry mat across the street from the apartment we lived in.  There was a children’s Bible chained to a table.  I started reading it.  I loved the pictures.  They were bright and large. Every time we went to the laundry mat, I would go straight to the Bible and find where I left off.  The Bible stories came to life for me.  But, eventually, we got a new washing machine, the one with the rollers and the huge tub and the trips to the laundry mat ended.  I never got to finish reading all the great stories.  I wished my mom would have gotten me that Bible.

Over the course of my life, I have discovered new facts and marvelous details about God through reading the Bible; facts like God parted the Red Sea, Jesus healed the sick, Jesus rose from the dead. I learned God cares about my hurts and He loves me. I discovered the peace of God; a peace that I could not understand because it was supernatural. It was a peace given to me by God during a most difficult trial in my life.  If it wasn’t that I was going through this trial, I would never have experienced that God could give peace that would settle a person’s fears, even when facing death.

Someone once said that my life was like that of Job's, but it wasn’t.  I have suffered but not like Job, whose friends were blaming him for all his trials.  I have caring friends that have supported me and shown me God’s love during my suffering.

After my husband Edry was diagnosed in June 2008 with early onset dementia at 51, I started to panic.  I was near the end of my master’s program in education.  This couldn’t be happening.  What were we going to do?  What was I going to do?  Should I finish school?  Should I quit? Who was going to help me?  “God tell me!!”  I couldn’t pray.  I was frozen.  I was numb.  I was in a panic. 

Well, my plan was to hurry up and finish school and graduate before Edry got mentally worse.  I only needed 3 classes and I had already started one of them in August for the fall semester.  It was difficult with teaching and taking one night class.  I made sure I took the class one night a week so I wouldn’t be out from the house more than that.  Sometimes Edry would stay with his daughter, sometimes with his brother and family.

But my plan fell through. I was 1 ½ months short of finishing the class when I was diagnosed with a rare colorectal cancer at age 50, in October 2008, 5 months after Edry’s diagnosis.  The doctors told me the horrible news after my family had already gone home from the hospital.  I lay in a hospital bed, crying all by myself.  That is when I panicked even more. I had more questions for God.  What am I going to do? Am I going to die?  Who will take care of Edry? Will I not see my grandsons grow up? God, I don’t want to die! I felt as if I was going to have a heart attack.

The surgery was brutal.  The radiation treatments were worse.  The chemotherapy almost killed me. When I developed a pulmonary embolism in my lung, my prayer to God, while in the ER, was “Lord, let me live long enough to take care of my husband and to bury him.”  I survived the blood clot but the chemotherapy treatments pushed me to the edge. My quality of life was dismal.  I was sick for five months longer. 

The pain and the progression of the weakening of my body were too much for me to bear.

*I lost all my hair except a few eyelashes and some of my eyebrows.

*I lost 21 % of my body weight, which was already dangerous at 10%. 

*I started getting regular shots to boost my immune system, which caused bone pain, even in my skull. 

*I could not be around too many people, especially if they were sick.

*I developed anemia from the weight loss.

*I developed brain fog which caused me to forget.

*I developed neuropathy.

* I had nerve damage.

*I developed problems sleeping.

*I was vomiting every day, sometimes twice a day. 

*My colon was burnt from the radiation and daily diarrhea.

*I developed ringing in my ears.

*I had hot flashes most of the day. 

I honestly didn’t think I would make it through.  I always felt my doctors fussed over me and this was why. It was during this time that I surrendered my panic to the Lord and discovered God’s peace.  I cried out to God to show me what to do.  His reply was in Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”   I stopped worrying about how Edry was doing at work and coming home late because he was lost.  I stopped worrying about our income.  I had to stop worrying about living or dying. I had to stop worrying because I could do nothing but be still and exalt God above my situation. God would have someone to take care of my husband if I were to die.  God knew that Edry’s care was extremely important to me and I believed that God would have the right person to help him.  

So, for six months, in a bed, I was still.  I prayed, I sang songs to Jesus, I read the Word.  I was too weak to do anything else.  Sometimes, I was too weak to cry. During my 3 week breaks from treatment, God would give me a little strength and I would go to Sunday Bible study and service once a month.  I didn’t tell my doctor I was going to church because he would tell me to stay home.  Then I discovered that I had God’s peace; I was ready for whatever would happen.  God removed my panic.  God healed me; my heart and later, my body.

Sometimes I look back, now that it has been almost seven years since this trial and journey started, and I know it was God that got me through it all.  And it has been God who has walked with me during the darkest days while I was doing my cancer treatments. I have found God to be faithful at giving me peace. God brought many people from my church to feed us.  People helped with our finances.  My coworkers donated 40 sick days right when I had no more days.  People called, brought me gifts to lift my spirits, but most importantly, people prayed for me.  People prayed for us.

It’s so difficult to have peace when everything in your life is marked by chaos.  Who can find peace?  We can.  How?  It’s surrendering your fears and asking for peace in prayer.  People who don’t know of God’s miraculous power will have a hard time with this.  How can a God, who says that He is good, cause suffering on His children?  A coworker asked me that very question when I was diagnosed.  My response was, “I am no different from anyone else.  Just because I love God, does not exempt me from suffering.  It’s about having faith and trusting that God has only good for me and that I will see the good through all of this.”

In May, it will be six years since my chemo treatments ended.  I am cancer-free.  But I have paid the price for all those chemicals running through my body.  I, like many other people who have suffered the effects of cancer, live with physical struggles every day.  Some things have stayed.

*The neuropathy stayed; painful if my hands or feet are injured. 

*The ringing in my ears stayed.

*Nerve damage stayed.

*Chronic fatigue stayed.

*Poor sleeping stayed.

*Chronic diarrhea stayed, which is now managed with strong medication.

*Digestive disorder stayed; it’s hard to know what to eat anymore. 

*Poor balance stayed, which makes me stumble.

*Memory problems; hard to memorize Bible verses anymore or commit other things to memory.

*My teeth, nails, and hair have weakness that has stayed. 

But Jesus took all of these problems and more, on the cross, for me.  Isaiah 53:5 says, “But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed.” (NASB) 

Romans 8:28 says, “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)

Not only did Jesus die on the cross for my sins, but also for my infirmities, of the physical kind and the spiritual kind too.  My well-being is possible because Jesus carried it and His beatings have healed me.  I have found peace and joy in God, despite cancer, despite widowhood. Since I love God, He works things out for my good. I did graduate in May 2010 and Edry, my parents, and youngest sister were there. Praise God!

I symbolically stand at the cross and say, “Thank you Lord for the healing of my body and peace for my soul.”