#3 Spring Cleaning of the Heart

As a girl, I remember Spring Break used to be called Clean Up Week.  The schools would get a midyear cleaning.  We would go back to school the following week and everything would look brand new.  The floors were shiny.  Walls would be painted.

What I believed as a kid was that we were off from school to go home and clean. My mom had us clean alright. I remember the sweeping and mopping of the floors.  My two sisters and I would clean the bathroom, dust, wash dishes and so much more.  I remember one year, my dad was painting the kitchen during clean up week. It was Sunday before we were done and then it was back to school.  It was not fun for me.  But it had to get done.  With five kids, ages so close to each other, I’m surprised my mom survived all our messes.

After I married Edry, his idea for Spring Break was to get the family in the van and go to Disney World.  Forget the mess at home made by my three kids and his two kids that came over every other weekend.  It was time to have fun; and that we did.  In fact, we took that road trip three years in a row.  Edry loved warm weather.  He loved having fun.  He did not mind skipping the drudgery of housework.  It would get done when it was absolutely necessary, which meant all day on a Saturday, with everyone doing their part.  Living life and family time was more important to him.  I understood that but I hated dirty dishes and piled up laundry.

When Edry’s illness progressed and he could no longer hold down a job, our house in the city was sold and I had to clean it out to move to my daughter and her husband’s basement of their suburban home.

June of 2012, I cleaned out my classroom and packed up my personal things and teacher materials because I would be teaching a new grade in the fall.  I stored it in a Public Storage.  I cleaned out Edry’s closet of things he no longer wore, so I sent that to the Public Storage. 

In July 2012, one week after Edry passed away, I had to clean out what would have been my new classroom and bring all my things home.  I took a family leave of absence to help my youngest sister take care of my mom who had just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I had to clean out the Public Storage and bring all of Edry’s belongings and my accumulated teacher materials back home.  It looked like I would not go back to work for awhile and I would not be able to afford the storage.

I had the awful task of going through Edry’s things again and decide what I would keep and what I would donate.  More cleaning. I cried for days looking at the empty closet.  I quickly filled it with my clothes so I would not look at the empty, dark space staring at me, making me feel worse because I had emptied it out. 

I moved some of my things to my mom and dad’s house and lived there while my mom was in hospice.  She died five weeks later.   So I had to clean up my things and move back home to an empty basement, crowded with belongings I had to declutter. I have been cleaning over and over for five years. 

When I think about the Lord, He wants us to come to Him with a clean heart; one that has repented, one that is sincere.  He wants us to say, “Lord, here I am with my baggage.  I’ve been cleaning up my life but it just doesn’t get clean.  I’ve been purging and decluttering my life but I still feel like a mess.”  The mess could be that we have not ever really given our lives over to Jesus Christ, who could make us clean and new through the salvation of the cross.  The mess could be that we hold on to bitterness because the way life has treated us.  It could be insecurities, low self-esteem, or addictions. 

Though I tried to clean and purge my home, which was necessary, I was neglecting my heart.  I was hurt.   No husband.  No mother.  Just like that.  But what the Lord wanted was my heart so He could clean out my pain and replace it with joy.  I was stubborn.  I wanted to wallow in sorrow.  It was my right to wallow, I thought, but it got old really fast and I couldn’t look at my sorry self in the mirror.  So, I asked God to repair my broken heart, my broken life.  It’s not been easy.  I’ve had many setbacks but God is there to clean me up, to restore me again and again.  I don’t resist His love for me anymore.  

The Lord wants you and me to be connected to Him like a branch off of a vine.  When we are connected, we can bear fruit or show that we are growing in Christ. When we grow in Christ, no matter what is going on in our lives, we are able to let go of the hurt that keeps us from being the person God wants us to be.  John 15:1-4 says, “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit.  You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.  Abide in Me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.” (NASB)

Suffering doesn't mean it's over.

I am clean.  We are clean.  We don’t have to keep trying to clean up our lives.  The word of God has been spoken to us and if we have received it in our hearts, God takes us as we are, mess and all. We must abide in Him; stay with Him.  Stick it out with Him and not walk away. This is what we all have to do no matter what our circumstances are so that we can move forward during difficult times.  We have to let God repair our hearts so we can love Him and love others.  We want to be able to look in the mirror and say, “I am loved by the Almighty God and He cares what happens to me.”

We cannot clean ourselves up.  People say “When I get my life in order, then I’ll go to church, then I’ll serve others, then I’ll accept Jesus as my Savior, then I’ll. . . (fill in the blank).  No, no, my dear friend, Jesus wants you like you are.  Isn’t that wonderful?  We don’t have to fix ourselves up.

Almost a year later, I moved in with my other sister.  I was helping her take care of her husband who was in hospice.  He was diagnosed with brain cancer right after my mom died.  We’ve cried many tears, but I wouldn’t have been able to be a support to her if I did not let God clean up my heart.  God had pruned me or cut away those parts of me that would not help anyone, so I can bear fruit; fruit that helped my sister during the most awful moment of her life.  Pruning hurts but being connected to the Almighty God is the only way we can get through life. 

Again, I cleaned up my things and went back home after my brother in-law’s passing, with a sense of purpose; a connection to Christ like the branch on the vine.

I write about my own experiences with suffering and finding joy and purpose in Christ. When we stay connected to Christ, we can find joy through the pain.