#14 Happy Heavenersary

Did anyone see the movie "Still Alice" about a woman's battle with Alzheimer's or did anyone see the Glen Campbell documentary, “I’ll Be Me” about his journey with Alzheimer’s?  Well, I watched them and of course, I cried.  My beloved husband had early onset dementia and went to be with the Lord on July 15, 2012.  This documentary aired on Edry’s anniversary month. Sometimes I wonder why I watch stuff like that.  I know I’m going to cry, but I do it anyway.  I think my biggest reason is that I don’t want to forget, for one minute, how much Edry suffered; how we all suffered with him and for him. “You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:9

In watching Glen and his struggle, the struggle of his family, it takes me back to where Edry and I were 7 years ago. The pain of losing a loved one can take years to soften the pain.  I know that it has softened a little for me. I don’t get as emotional as I had the first 2 years.  Those first 2 years were gut-wrenching. I would lose my sense of stability at the mention of his name. I would look at his pictures and the waterfall would flood my pillows.  The desire to go hide would overtake my common sense. “For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10

A full 3 years is upon me and I look back to recollect his journey with his illness, my own journey with my illness and being a widow. And I have to say that God has been faithful.  He has been faithful to see me through all of my darkest days. “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

God has given me the ability and the strength to reach out, rather than wait for others to come to me.  People didn’t know how I was feeling. My speaking up and making myself visible was the only way I received comfort from others.  Staying in a little cocoon, crying, hurting, angry, and depressed only made me a scary person. But I enjoy the friendships of the sweet women in Christ that have stood by me these 3 years.  “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

 

So what’s changed in 3 years?  I don’t feel guilty having taken down and storing some of my pictures of Edry.  I don’t feel guilty that I don’t go to the cemetery as much as I had before.  I don’t feel so broken when others don’t talk about him or when they do. I can listen to love songs and think about how we used to dance, holding each other tight, rather than turn off the song. I went back to work, maybe not the same job I had, but I’m working. I volunteer at church rather than hide from everyone. I can laugh. I can have fun. I’ve gone on vacation. I’ve traveled. I can talk to the car mechanic myself. I sleep on Edry's side of the bed. I can eat at the table by myself. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Some things I am still working on.  God is still working with me.  I am growing and I am glad that I’m growing; at the pace that God has set for me.  Some days are hard.  Anniversaries are the hardest. I want July 15 to come and go, but then I want the day to be so slow, just for me to meditate, cry, laugh, to remember all the details; if that makes any sense at all.  “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3

Honestly, I still don’t like being a widow, but if I had to be a widow, I am glad and proud that I am Edry’s widow. What a good man he was, he is (because he still exists). He made me look good. He gave me more credit than I deserved. And he showed me that to love Jesus is the most important part of living, more than any one person. So as Edry’s third anniversary approaches, I will thank God for the gift of marriage I was able to enjoy for 22 years. I will thank God for the good father he was to my children and to his own 2 children. He was a simple man with a lot of love to give. I am grateful that God showed me what I needed; a man that loved God above anyone or anything, so that I could follow his example.  Happy Heavenersary, Edry. Praise God that you are with your Forever Papi.

I seem to find songs that say what I'm feeling.

I Will Remember You by Amy Grant